Just · a · Journal

I'm approaching my 2 year anniversary here on Multiply and after all the counsel from the society against social networking sites, I've decided to shut down my site.  I will leave everything up until this Friday so everyone can read this, and then shut it all down.  It's been nice knowing ya.  Nowadays the only IM client I run is Google Talk, and my username is my e-mail address: brstilson@gmail.com so log on if you want to chat.

"Here's how we're gonna do it," the angry Ohio farmer said glaring at me as I stood at the gas pump, "you're gonna come back to the farm and help us straighten up that mess you made."  Earlier, I decided to have a little fun and leave some tire tracks in a farmers field, in broad daylight.  I had gotten away with it, too.  But oddly enough I decided to get gas at the station next to the farm.  A little while later a black car pulled up to me and an old man slammed the door and started towards me.  I started flashing back to all those horror movies I'd watched.

"Okay, I'll help you guys, but my friend has to get back to town and I don't want her to go by herself, so I'll take her back and then come back here."  After much deliberation, they agreed. We stood around and talked more.  The old man was lamenting how he wanted a way so that only he could gain access to the field I had just destroyed.  "What you need," I suggested, "is an electronic gate, with a biometrics fingerprint reader."  He nodded enthusiastically, seemingly thrilled at my idea.

My friend and I decided to get something to eat at the restaurant attached to the station so we all split up.  She then told me her boyfriend was actually coming to pick her up and she didn't need me to take her to town.  I was frustrated.  My plans for escaping had been blown.  She laughed at me and said "I get it now.  Look Brian, you're a really nice guy, but..."  You kind of get the rest.  Anyway, too much in a hurry to leave, I said goodbye and headed out and instead of getting into the PT Cruiser I climbed into my Intrepid that I had left in the parking lot years earlier, with a full tank of gas.  It was full of boxes containing my stuff.  The car seemed to start when the key touched the ignition and I took off.  I looked in my side view mirror to see and old truck pulling out of the farm at a semi-rapid pace.  I floored it, realizing that old thing couldn't catch up to my 3.5 V-6 even on a good day.  I woke up and realized I had left my friend at the gas station.

Star Trek has been with us for quite a while. I've noticed, however, that there may still be those around that are "new" to the Trek universe. Therefore, I have compiled this helpful list of fun Star Trek facts that should get any "n00b" caught up with the rest of us:

• In the future, everyone listens to 20th century jazz or classical, no human has written any new music in the last 400 years, and the only existing genre in Klingon music is opera.
• Data can perform trillions of calculations per second, has an IQ of 1000, but can't figure out verbal contractions
• There are no restrooms anywhere on the ship. In the future, urination, bowel movements, and bathing are the thing of the past.
• "Hey! Look at that strange anomylous cloud/energy field/large menacing creature......ensign, take us in for a closer look"
• If you're hijacking an alien ship, learning the elaborate, complex control system you've never seen before takes about 15 seconds. Learning how to pilot a federation starship takes 10 years of training at the academy.
• The evil time bandits from the future are traveling to the past to screw things up just for kicks, and the pursuing time cops need the help of a starship captain who's level of knowledge and technology is several hundred years behind theirs.
• Malevolent omnipotent beings made of pure energy.
• Mysterious historical/mythical figures that lived on earth hundreds of years ago that are actually aliens.
• The more technologically advanced a species gets, the less interested in sex they become, until their species can no longer reproduce at all.
• Being technologically advanced automatically means that you are droll, boring, and always wearing white robes.
• Alien vampires that feed off anything but blood.
• Using the deflector dish in ways it was never designed to be used on a regular basis never causes a problem during normal operation.
• Reversing the polarity is always the solution....ALWAYS
• Maintenance hatches and accessways are never large enough to accommodate an adult of the species the ship was designed to serve.
• Even though Earth has hundreds of races, religions and philosophies, alien worlds only seem to have one or two of each.
• Any computer that is a breakthrough in Artificial Intelligence will always go insane when put to a task in the real world.
• Shouting paradoxes at a super-intelligent android is sufficient to cause its head to explode.
• Weapons and ships make noise in space despite the fact that sound cannot travel through a vacuum.
• The universal translator always works and new languages are programmed instantly, even when the alien on the viewscreen hasn't said anything.
• The word "Anomaly" is always the word-of-the-day on everyone's calendar.
• Kilometer-long ships can travel several times the speed of light for weeks, even years at a time without the need for fuel.
• Ships can travel at high speeds through planetary atmosphere with no difficulty at all, even when shaped like Picasso's interpretation of a bar stool.
• Ships in space bank like aircraft, even though they're traveling through a vacuum.
• A low-rank flunkie left at the beam-in site by the main characters can be killed by a small detonation five feet away, but a main character can survive a direct point-blank shot to a vital organ.
• Phasers are only shot directly at the target, but never pivoted left and right to increase damage.
• The extremely contagious disease that accelerates the aging process.
• Electrical engineers in the future have abandoned fuses, circuit breakers, or any other kind of circuit protection available so that bridge consoles will explode in a shower of sparks and fire when the ship takes damage.
• A shape shifter can change it's volume and mass at will.
• Any member of an androgynous uni or tri-gendered species will without fail fall in love with Commander Riker
• Despite getting more tail than possibly even Captain Kirk, Riker never contracts any STDs
• The discovery of warp drive inspired man to eradicate all disease from Earth. Other civilizations, unfortunately, were not so inspired.
• The deadly virus that accelerates the aging process.
• Traveling backwards through time from the 23rd or 24th century requires falling into a Borg temporal wake, or traveling at warp 10 around the sun in a Klingon warbird. Traveling forward, however, is quite a trivial matter (obviously a simple deflector dish modification).
• Despite time travel being possible from the 23rd century on, no one got around to killing Hitler.

These aircraft maintenance comments are allegedly from 'gripe sheets' or 'squawk reports' which enable/enabled pilots to report aircraft technical problems and responses from maintenance engineers. Various origins are suggested by the many different interpretations of these items, most popularly Qantas and the US Air Force, although it's highly unlikely that all these comments are from a single original source, especially given the mixture of technology featured, and that some are probably military and others not. This is not an attempt to present a factually reliable or accurate listing of these items, if one ever existed at all - it's just a list of the funniest examples. If you know the true origins of any of these please let me know.

These amusing communications illustrate the implications of using vague language, as well as the age-old potential for conflict and confusion between operational departments and functions, and the long-suffering tolerance of service and maintenance staff in support of operational personnel found in all industries.

Technical problem or defect reported by pilot or crew.	Remedial action or answer reported by maintenance engineer
Something loose in cockpit.	Something tightened in cockpit.
Left-inside main tyre (tire) almost needs replacing.	Almost replaced left-inside main tyre.
Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500lbs.	Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300lbs.
Unfamiliar noise coming from No2 engine.	Engine run for three hours. Noise now familiar.
Mouse in cockpit.	Cat installed.
Target radar hums.	Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
Number three engine missing. [not firing properly presumably]	Engine found on starboard [right] wing after brief search.
Pilot's clock inoperative.	Wound clock.
Aircraft handles funny.	Aircraft told to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.	Pilot removed from aircraft.
Noise coming from under instrument panel - sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.	Took hammer away from midget.
Suspected crack in windshield.	Suspect you are right.
IFF inoperative. [IFF = Identification, Friend or Foe.]	IFF always inoperative in 'off' mode.
Test flight okay except Auto-Land very rough.	Auto-Land is not installed on this aircraft.
No2 ADF needle runs wild. [ADF = Automatic Direction Finder/Finding?]	Caught and tamed No2 ADF needle.
Turn and slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.	Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!
Dead bugs on windshield.	Live bugs on back order.
Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces 200 feet per minute descent.	Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.	Evidence removed.
Three roaches in cabin.	One roach killed, one wounded, one got away.
DME volume set unbelievably loud. [DME = Distance Measuring Equipment?]	DME volume set to more believable level.
No2 propeller seeping prop fluid.	No2 propeller seepage normal. Nos 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.	That's what they are for.

MUAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAH

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I tell this story with reluctance.  Some of you know this, some of you don't.  Some of you that don't know may have even been there.  I did something strange that day, and this is the explanation.  I tell this story at the expense of my dignity for your entertainment.  I've been holding this back and I feel now is the time to reveal the truth.

I crapped my pants at a mall a few years ago.  I went to see "Finding Nemo" with some friends but the theater was so full none of us got to sit together.  I left and got a refund.  There is no way I'm watching a movie without sitting by my friends.  Consequently, I have a few hours in the mall to kill.  I decided to poke around the Apple Store and whatever else peaked my fancy.  The theater exit was on the second level so I took the stairs to get to the first.  I had to fart.  No one was around and I was DESPERATE for pressure relief suddenly, so I decided to covertly cut one loose.  The package unfortunately had a nasty surprise.  I had more than just gas waiting to be expelled.

I knew instantly what had happened and tightened up so no more could escape.  To make things worse, I was wearing light-colored shorts.  Not knowing how much was visible, I feared the worst.  I needed to get to a bathroom, stat, and being that this was a strange mall, I had no idea where that was.  I decided to hike my shorts up as high as possible, while stretching my shirt as far down as possible.  I pick a direction and head that way.

There was no restroom to be found, so I went into a store and asked.  The hot girl (of course) behind the counter informed me of the correct location--across the mall.  Sucking it up, I embarked on the journey.  After walking for what seemed like more than the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy, I reached the facilites and could finally survey the damage, as well as complete the task at hand.  Keep in mind throughout the whole ordeal up to this point, I still desperately had to dump the payload.

The one question in my mind was "did it soak through?"  The answer was more terrible than I could imagine.  Oh yes, it soaked through, BIG time.  There was no cleaning it off, my shorts were no longer an acceptable article of clothing to wear.  I had to do something.  Then, it hit me....I was in a MALL.

I cleaned up the soiled boxers and cargo shorts as best as possible, re-donned them, and left the bathroom.  I was going to the nearest clothing store I could find.  That store was Victoria's Secret....








...ok, not really, it was Eddie Bauer.  I hurriedly bought a pair of boxers and shorts, and headed back to the bathroom.  I changed, put the soiled articles in the bag the new clothes came in, and threw it in the trash can outside the bathroom.  I was a new man.  I met my friends after the movie, and I'm pretty sure they all know this story, but if one of you guys didn't, that's why I was wearing completely different clothes that one time...

It started about a month ago when it got really cold and my car started to make noise whenever I would turn the wheel.  Everything handled just fine though, so I didn't bother with it.

After a while, it started getting hard to steer in the morn....aww screw it I don't feel like typing this out.  Long story short: steering hard, suspect power steering problem.

My car also shakes when driving fast.  I got into Belle Tire to have them balance and rotate my tires.  A few minutes after I sit down in the waiting room, I see my car parked in a different spot outside, so I go ask if my car's done.  It's not.

My bushings are shot, apparently.  I ask them if that could have affected my steering.  They say probably not, and that I should get this fixed before I look at my power steering.  They give me an estimate for $300 worth of parts and labor and send me on my way.

Fast forward two days.  It's payday, so I go back to the place to get the stuff on the estimate done.  A few minutes later, they have me walk out to my car to show me something.  Apparently, the rubber boot thingys that surround part of my tie rods seem "hard to push and filled with some fluid."  Apparently, this is a bad thing.  They claim this is probably my steering problem, the seals in the rack assembly are likely broken and I need a new one.  That repair is $450.  I tell them to fix the bushings but hold off on the steering rack.

.....


WAKE UP I AM ALMOST DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

.....


About 2 1/2 hours go by and I'm finally done.  I get in my car.  My steering works awesome.  It is easy as can be and absolutely no noise.  I guess I don't need that additional repair after all.

The tire place earlier told me that I need new front tires because the ones i have are "shot."  I inspected them today, they look just fine.

Cliffs:  Belle Tire tried to swindle me into getting an unnecessary steering rack replacement and two new tires.

Thursday, our security manager, Bambi*, walks by my office and says "getting ready to go to that class?"

Me: "What class?"

Her: "You're kidding me"

Me: "No one ever tells me anything, I really have no idea what you're talking about"

Her: "You're signed up for the refrigeration class"

Note: it is 1:55 when this conversation takes place

Me: "Refrigeration class?  That's news to me"

Her: "Yep, every thursday from 2-4 for the next six weeks"

Me: "No, I don't even know about meetings I'm supposed to go to until 15 minutes before they start"

Her: "Oh yeah, those are always last minute"

Me: "Sure are"

If you consider home-schooling your children, you will without fail ask, "But what about socialization?"  Fortunately, there is way your kids can receive the same
socialization that government schools provide.

On Mondays and Wednesdays, personally corner your son in the
bathroom, give him a wedgie and take his lunch money.

On Tuesdays and Thursdays, make sure to tease your children for not being in the "in" crowd, taking special care to poke fun of any physical abnormalities.

Make Fridays "Fad and Peer Pressure Day." Everyone will compete to see who has the coolest toys, most expensive clothes and the loudest, fastest and most dangerous car.

Every day, adhere to a routine of cursing and swearing in the hall and mentioning weekend exploits with alcohol and immorality. If the kids attempt to use the bathroom without permission, punish them immediately.

Finally, ask them to report you to the authorities in the event you mention faith, religion or try to bring up morals and values.

My boss is the king of assigning tasks at extremely short notice.  I don't even get to hear about meetings I'm supposed to be at until about 15-30 minutes before they start.  Of course, I have to drop what I'm doing, go to the meeting where I'm pretty much ignored the whole time, except when I'm told to write something down.  Of course, this throws me off my game and by the time I get back to my seat I have to spend another 1/2 to 1 hour getting back into my "zone."  That is, until another surprise visit comes and I have to forget about it all over again.

Today, my boss called me to print out some drawings.  "Okay" i tell him, and he replies with "alright, i'll be there in 15 minutes."  I wonder if he realizes that the amount of drawings he wants take 20 minutes to print out?  No, of course not.  So I start working on it until I'm interrupted by more things yet again.  By the time I get back to my desk, he comes in wanting drawings.  So I go through them asking what he wants, and there is one drawing with several sections on it.  I ask him if he wants them all printed on one page and he says "yes."

Fast forward 5 minutes.  I take them to him and he says "these aren't all of them."  After wondering what the heck he means for a few seconds he points to the drawing that he had earlier said wanted all printed on one page and says "I wanted these all on seperate pages."  Going with my better judgement, I bite my tongue and return to my desk, where I am now typing this as 20 drawings slowly crawl from my printer.